This has been an exciting week for me. Things are happening in my life that I never really thought would, or believed could. When I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to take control of my life, things started to change. As the changes progress and evolve I find myself fascinated at the empowerment I feel. I can do this. I can have the life that I want and deserve.
This may not be shaping up to be the bohemian life style that I fantasize about. I’m not even certain what form it’s all taking, but there are definite signs that my life is finally moving in a more positive direction. With each tentative step forward that I take, I feel myself filling with confidence. The sense of adventure and discovery is delightful. And, sure, I’m nervous about it all, but I cannot stop this forward momentum that is opening doors and I don’t want to.
What amazes me more than anything is the overwhelming support from other people. Some are friends. Some are family. Some are colleagues. Some are mere acquaintances. But they are coming forward and offering, with genuine intent, to help in so many ways. They care. It’s incredible.
When I first came to Houston, I was only supposed to be here for a couple of months. A drastic change of plans prevented me from ending up in Cold Lake, Alberta, where my family originally planned to go. Thirty-two years later, I’m still here. I’ve wanted to leave Houston pretty much since I arrived. Life, though, has conspired to keep me quite solidly rooted in this strange little community that I have not appreciated half as much as I should have.
Houston has an amazing capacity to come together and help out whenever help is needed. Opening myself up to accepting help has never come easily to me. In fact, I always kind of resented it when people wanted help. I felt like I was losing control and having to take what was given instead of choosing what I wanted for myself. The fact that I never bothered to assert myself enough to go after the things that I wanted escaped me entirely until just this past week. Duh! And here I am – finally! – saying, “Enough, already! I’m not going to take it. No, I ain’t gonna take it. I’m not going to take it anymore!” (Twisted Sister, 1984)
The result has been an out-pouring of support and generosity that, oddly enough, does not feel the least bit oppressive or domineering. Rather, it is more like... What’s the word I’m looking for?... Love? Yes, that’s it. Love. It feels like love. And - again finally – I understand!
Love is very simply this: I have something that you need that I think would help you out and make your life better. If you feel the same way, it’s yours, because I care about you and want you to be happy.
No pressure. No it’s my way or the highway. No strings attached. No checks and balances. No you owe me. Just kindness; simple kindness and generosity and LOVE.
I am engulfed in gratitude. I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am. When I hear someone say, “Don’t worry, I have a couch you can have,” or, “I have some dishes that I can give you,” or “I’ll come and help you move,” or, “I can come and help you build a fence for your dogs,” I’m in awe. Utter and complete awe. And gratitude.
Really? You’d do that for me? You won’t make me figure this all out by myself? Wow! Thank you.
Even stranger is knowing that “thank you” is enough. That and the unspoken request that I pass it forward at some point when I have the ability to do the same for someone else.
I feel myself softening. I don’t really know how to explain that, but that is the word that best describes the way I do feel. The phrase Letting go is starting to make sense. The tightness is loosening. The anger is ebbing. The frustration is melting. The stress is dissolving. The shell is cracking. The to-do list is growing!
With nothing yet written in stone, I also feel I need to be cautious. You know, don’t count my chickens before they’re hatched and all that. I hardly slept last night thinking about how amazing things might be in just a few weeks. I deserve this. I’ve earned it. I can do it. And, while the sacrifices that I’m going to have to make in order for it all to come together are a little heart-rending and raw yet, I can handle it.
I am woman! Hear me roar!