I can’t believe that I’m doing this. It’s the craziest, most daring thing that I’ve done in my entire life. I’m not sure what is pulling me in this direction, but it’s a path that I cannot deter from and I can’t help but wonder where it is leading.
It’s my tendency, no matter how I try not to, to analyse everything. Looking at things that are happening in my life I am pointed first to the past, specifically about three years ago when I was first hired at the library. It was about that same time, perhaps a bit earlier, that I really began to realize that I was not very happy. I didn’t feel right about where I was or where I was going and I didn’t feel like I could completely depend on certain aspects of my life to support my needs.
My original position at the library was certainly not going to provide all the answers. Within a few months, though, I found myself being pushed into the position that I now hold. In spite of railing with all my might against it, I submitted my application, sat through the interview and accepted the job.
For the last three years, I have been fighting another current, furiously paddling against it and hoping to stay out of turbulent waters. Hah! Like I could have ever triumphed over the flow of life!
When things transpire in my life, I often wonder how much free will I do possess in relation to how much my life is mapped out for me. I have often said that life tries to be gentle with us. But when we miss, or refuse to follow, the signs, eventually it will pick us up and turn us around and give us a swift kick in the keister if we try to resist. But now I wonder if that is true at all. Now I wonder how much of what is happening is due to the fact that I asked for it.
The old saying: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it, hangs ominously around each and every decision that I make these days. What is it that I really want? Is what I’m doing really leading me to that eventuality or am I heading for disaster? Can I handle it? Can I live with the consequences of the decisions I’m making? Are the sacrifices worth the gain? Is the gain worth the sacrifices? Am I merely taking a giant leap of faith, or am I manifesting a better life?
Since becoming the Chief Librarian at HPL, I have definitely been pulling away from my old life. Some say it’s hormones. Some say that becoming a grandmother messed with my head. Some call it a mid-life crisis. I just call it exciting. And terrifying.
I think that doubt is a good thing – if properly used. Doubt is nothing more than a check point, a pause to reflect, review and affirm, or reject and realign, as the case may be. And boy, oh boy, have I had my doubts about all this! Those niggling fears of failure creep in and do their best to choke out the hope and the joy. But from some as yet untapped depth, without fail, rises a strong and confident voice that says: You can do this! You deserve this! Everything is going to be okay and all is going to fall into place. Be patient! (Not one of my better-refined virtues.)
The vision remains strong and clear. I see myself in my new life doing things that I really want to do. I have a great job that I love and I intend to work hard at developing Yemalla’s Moon Designs. I love designing and I think that I can be really good at it. I think that I can make it into something amazing. I see my new home filled with the light of creativity. I can smell the soup simmering and the biscuits baking. I can hear the voices of loved ones gathered around my table, laughing, crying, sharing, growing, creating, eating, living! I can see my studio filled with beautiful designs. I can see a future filled with goodness, wellness, prosperity, happiness and peace. Yes, the vision is so, so clear.
I look around my current home, the one that I’ve lived in for the past 23+ years and I know that it is time to let it go. It’s going to be strange not coming back here after a day at work. Everything I do here, everything I touch brings with it a flood of memories. The day that Elizabeth batted a rock that hit her dad’s van and broke the head light, the mound of dirt in the back yard that Tracy spent months digging in looking for her “ten-thousand baby Lisas,” the first time Ali rode a bike, the night that Eric spent in the bathroom trying to fix his chipped tooth with fibre glass, the pets – the many, many, many pets that have called this place home... There has been a lot of love, a lot of laughter, and more than a few tears (both happy and sad).
But something is different now. Something has changed that compels me to find a new place to build new memories. Something is missing that makes it feel like it isn’t mine anymore. My stuff just feels out of place here now. I feel out of place here now. It’s like this place is done with me. And I am done with it.
Moving out, moving on, and perhaps most importantly, moving up! And that is what keeps my faith in all this alive – moving up – because that is what I feel like I’m doing. It’s no less scary, but it is most certainly thrilling.
I was led back to the library for a reason. And now it is time to use that gift for the purpose it was intended, namely to take my place in the world as an independent woman with the strength and intelligence to make it on my own. Hmmm.... On my own! It has an oddly nice ring to it.
Just for the fun of it, I’m thinking about buying some cement bricks and 2” x 10” planks to make shelving out of. If I can find one of those cable spools that kids are so fond of using as coffee tables, I might just drag one home. I’ve never been on my own before, never had my own place or the freedom to fill it with funky treasures that I find. I can’t wait for garage-sale season to start!
Well, there are a few more hurdles to leap over and I hope to do it gracefully without falling flat on my face. I’m okay with the odd stumble. As long as I don’t lose this forward momentum, I’ll be fine. If I’m truly meant to get this house, I will. If not, there are other options. It will work out!
And it’s gonna be awesome!